All Relationship it is complex. Each one has its dynamics, its encounters and disagreements, its pacts and its processes. Building the foundations is an arduous job that requires the effort and involvement of its protagonists.
The success Whether or not it depends on it, although this success should not be measured so much in the duration of the union but in the quality of the relationship.
In conversation with Enric Soler, relational psychologist and collaborating professor of Psychology and Education studies at the Open University of Catalonia (UOC), we establish the foundations of what should be a healthy couple relationship.
The foundations of the couple
The foundations of any affective relationship must be “solid”, According to the relational psychologist Enric Soler. Every couple is a world, but usually we can set six basic points that should not be lacking for it to be a healthy union.
– I respect
It is one of the key elements of any relationship. Respecting the other implies growing together over the years without impositions, expectations or emotional dependence on the other.
“If there is no respect, it is impossible to build anything. Not having respect is not recognizing the role of the other as joint owner of the relationship, ”says Soler. Therefore, if the usual are bad faces, reproaches, yelling, anger and even physical and / or psychological abuse, the union cannot continue in any way.
– Trust and communication
Trust is another essential element in any healthy relationship. If any of the protagonists has the need to control the mobile phone, email or social networks of his partner or partner, this pillar is damaged.
In this section we can also include everything related to communication, the channel through which the couple will resolve their differences, make decisions and reach satisfactory agreements for both.
The commitment consists of sharing a series of relational norms and values that must be established in all areas. In the case of romantic relationships, a tip is to write a letter of commitments, “as if it were a statute of the couple,” says Soler.
In this letter of commitments, the two protagonists can determine which issues they commit to, be they economic, family or leisure.
Fidelity or infidelity – or “disloyalty”, as this relational psychologist prefers to call it – is another of the commitments to be determined. Fidelity is an agreement and a way of living sexual and emotional relationships and the couple is the only one who can decide how to approach this issue.
“The couple has to define where the limits are and they have to share and agree on them. It is very important that the question of commitment is quite explicit when the couple’s relationship is beginning to take shape ”, Soler details, although he remarks that they can be“ revisable ”over the years.
– Flexible complementarity
Complementing yourself with your partner is essential for a good understanding. There are two types of complementarity: rigid and flexible.
The first occurs when each member of the couple has a marked and non-transferable role and occurs, for example, in cases where one has the upper hand and the other is carried away.
The second, on the other hand, is when either of the two can assume a leadership role and take turns, either because circumstances have changed or because each one has some issues in which they feel better able to manage.
– Vision of the world and similar life
Each person has their own individual scale of values. When we start a relationship, this individual value scale has to become a common value scale, in which several have to coincide. This will allow the two individuals to agree on some fundamental principles.
“If we do not have a more or less compatible vision of the world and life, it will be very difficult to establish a relationship as a couple,” says Enric Soler. If our partner does not share or respect our values or our way of seeing the world, it will cause us pain and unhappiness.
Love is the fundamental pillar of any affective relationship, although it is essential that all the above are fulfilled in order to be able to say with all the letters that there is love between two people.
In a healthy union, two types of love must coexist: love for the other person and self-love, with the addition that each one must respect the self-esteem of the partner.