"Let's go slower, I don't promise you anything": how fear of commitment affects relationships – 11/06/2019

"Would you rather love more and suffer more or love less and suffer less? I think that is definitely the only question. Who can control how much he loves? If it can be controlled, then it is not love. I do not know what we can call it but it is not love".

Julian Barnes

Funky loves do not reach love or stories. And of cowardly loves this story of live dodging the fear of suffering. And if they hurt you, don't lock yourself up, don't get in the shell. The problem is not love, much less yours. The problem is who doesn't know how to love.

So take off that pajamas, rinse your face, dry those tears, let the sun hit your face and live. That life is one, let's see what this question is about warm love, funky love.

***

"I've been a sniper of the conquest for years, poacher, I'm fed up. I have a mess of names, stories, faces and perfumes in my head! Do you say it's scary? I don't realize, it's all the adrenaline at first but then a horrible void. In all these women who passed by, there was surely one that I could have fallen in love with except if I couldn't stop. Is it like an addiction, isn't it? It's crap. "

I explain that yes, it is similar to an addiction. That he could possibly have fallen in love with one of the dozens of women with whom he was in the last 5 years. But for that I would have had to be clear about what you still don't have. Know what you don't know yet.

What things you have to pay, what you are looking for, what escapes you, what you take refuge from. Why this need to fly over the stories without even knowing who is on the other side.

But it is these times that run, times of fearful.

"Loving in crawl time is no small matter," said a post by illustrator Fede Calde.

And I agree, and I feel sorry, because we defend ourselves from the most beautiful thing about living. What is the risk? Suffer, fear is to suffer.

As Julian Barnes said masterfully, if we love, we suffer, but we also enjoy, vibrate, live. Men and women become bullshit for fear of being hurt.

Emotional constructions are played from the axiom of immediacy, everything is now, we live life through monitors and the emotions are emoji.

So it is not uncommon for the times of building a relationship to become unbearable for an important part of those who step on this land.

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lazy square - "Let's go slower, I don't promise you anything": how fear of commitment affects relationships - 11/06/2019

"That if we are in something, that if we have something. That interests me, that I like but not so much, a little more maybe. Don't overdo it, let's go very fast. We have a relationship, it's just a little guy, I play and I'm leaving. Let's see, let it flow. I do not promise you anything. "To the pirulero gift, each one attends his game and more and more the phases and constructions that are sustained, are invented and instrumented to define the loving bonds.

All now, there is no time to lose, and then we fly over stories, play and leave. Run the risk of suffering, of not having likes In the game of life it is not for anyone. Or maybe yes, but many do not know.

There are more and more obstacles that we human beings face in front of us, to avoid suffering for love, to simply dodge the things of life, the things of wanting.

Encourage love, the challenge in times of fear.

The other face of the moon

“It was the three most magical weeks of my life, dinner by candlelight. He came to tell me and for me it was too soon, but I believed him, I am a boluda but I believed him, he came to tell me that she was the woman of his life, that he had finally found me, that where I was all that time, the sister told me I didn't trust, that he was like soap bubbles, I didn't want to see. One day he disappeared, fifty messages stamped me, I never knew anything more about him, he didn't answer the phone, I went to look for him at the office, it is seen that a colleague told him, because he never went down. I was at the door for three hours. He humiliated me, do you understand? He humiliated me. There, it was. He is a son of a bitch but I don't understand what happened, if I did something wrong, if it's him, I believed him and now I'm made a ball, it's going to cost me a lot to start over. ”

From the couch, stories like these, hundreds and thousands.

"Loving is urgent," a romantic would say, "I don't want compromises," another less dreamer would say, in times that run, love scares, and the technology of the hand of the new postmodern constructions, are at the service of the protection for the suffering.

Jumping from history to history, from chat to chat, from bed to bed is nothing more than a top anesthesia have one of the themes that more lyrics have given to poets in humanity, and philosophy, since the world is world: love.

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lazy square - "Let's go slower, I don't promise you anything": how fear of commitment affects relationships - 11/06/2019

If Juan or Maria are in four stories at once, if one of these links is over, it will not be so serious, there are backup. On the other hand, if the love is of two, and something of the deceit or the disappointment happens, the blow as in the case of this girl of the story, is hard, ardent and accurate.

The distraction of multitask, the banalization of consistent and enduring links are, I believe, defense mechanisms to not find out how much we lose if we do not love with the guts, with leather and with the heart.

Immersion in the apps Encounters (Tinder, Happn, etc.) begin at an increasingly early age. Teenagers relate their adventures through networks with the same de-affectivization as they relate adventures in online games.

The partners are occasional and the commitment seems to be an endangered species. Welcome technology as a springboard from the virtual to the realm of the real.

Virtuality is an end in itself, and getting into the adventures of managing a relationship is scary.

"It's very easy (he explains to me), you go out with one, you go out with another, you go out there, it's like being in a clothing business, you try on, you like it, you take it. You don't like it, you try on the business next door do you understand? ”

And yes, I understand, and it makes me very sad, liquid loves would say Zygmunt Bauman.

The instagram, although it is not designed to be a meeting application, adds up too. Social networks are a springboard for the circulation of Eros in times of immediacy. Relationships or interpersonal bonds are built in a liquid way.

"I was married for fifteen years, my first boyfriend at 18, I am 44 and I have no time to lose, but I feel so ugly later. It makes me remember when I was a teenager binge eating food, at first it is great, and then a pain, an emptiness, a lot of eroticism, adrenaline, nothingness itself, loneliness, horrible loneliness. "

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lazy square - "Let's go slower, I don't promise you anything": how fear of commitment affects relationships - 11/06/2019

Hyperconnectivity times, solitude pandemic, as store catalogs circulate profile pictures of men and women, as who chooses a color in a painting.

Rare new verbs, the return of Gasparín, "don't ghost me anymore, it made me ghosting" nothing around here nothing over there.

Appear and disappear, connect and disconnect, and life goes, we are not immortal. Some tips to dare to love:

✔️The secret is to always choose with your heart, but keep our eyes open so as not to get entangled in stories in which we will inevitably suffer a lot and be happy little. Falling in love with those who cannot give everything because they are already married or engaged is always a bad idea, the chances of being unhappy are very high. The lover's place is a sad place.

Falling in love with those who give plenty of samples from the beginning of having zero empathy and care for the other, is a risk that may not be worth taking.

Love, of course, but we don't stumble on the same stone over and over again. Eyes and open heart, and to live.

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lazy square - "Let's go slower, I don't promise you anything": how fear of commitment affects relationships - 11/06/2019

✔️Let's understand that history does not have to be repeated if we choose differently. If we ever suffer for love, the solution is not to stop loving but to do different things so as not to repeat history circularly.

✔️Going by two does not imply absurd resignations. Let's enjoy the trip, the process, the construction of the relationship, putting limits on the invasion of our spaces, let's not leave essential links (family, friends) or vital spaces that are ours, love is not immolate.

If we can do all this, then the table is served, open hearts, lower the wall, keep the spikes, and enjoy the love that will never go out of style.

What would we do if we were not afraid?

What story are we going to keep in a box when the time for gray hair and wrinkles comes?

Who are we going to dream of at night, what a wonderful adventure we will have to boast?

The one with sheets without names or faces, or having lived at least one true love?

We stop being cagones when we manage to get rid of fears and defense mechanisms that take us away from feeling in its purest state. When we shed all that shell that connects us with a excess prudence. When we do this wonderful exercise of going towards feeling and we can discover true connections. When the calm, the laugh, the joy, the emotion, the timeshare, the skin, the leather, the cuore, it comes into play, and then we can say "there it is".

At least for now, without blunt and fearless, there we can stay, there we can strip the soul and build a future.

If we dare to feel, if we stop being fearful of loving then and only then; We will leave Groundhog Day, we will feel alive. Can we regret it?

Of course, but we try, we play the game of living and who takes away the dance.

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lazy square - "Let's go slower, I don't promise you anything": how fear of commitment affects relationships - 11/06/2019

The wonder of living is playing from courage, adventures that move our blood, make our hearts beat harder. How much of banalities, how much abundance of nothingness itself. What a waste of meaningless, when what is needed is as simple as a hand, a hug, a look that contains. To be able to give effect to the emotions that we have stuck, to be able to understand that nothing makes sense if there is no emotional north.

Distracting ourselves with monitors, and other herbs from the liquid world, only takes us away from the essence of living.

Love will never go out of style but life, ours, yours, mine and nothing of love can happen. We are free, we choose.

And you: Do you choose to suffer little without loving or encouraging yourself to love and suffer more? Encourage love in times of crap, the challenge. It is hard but not impossible.

* Alejandro Schujman is a family psychologist. Generation Author Ni-Ni, It's not because I say so and Tools for parents.



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